Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
