we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
