Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
