I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
