addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
