feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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