can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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