Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
