I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
