peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
