Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
