So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
