Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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