I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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