The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
