Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
