I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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