There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
