Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
