I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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