I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
