my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
zippers are such a cool invention
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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