He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
