So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
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if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
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I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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