I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
