You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
