So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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