Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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