Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
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