Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
