saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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