Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
