I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
