God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
