just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
