the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
