I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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