i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
