Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
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Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
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I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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