My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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