the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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