I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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