FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
