How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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