threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
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I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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