is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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