One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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