I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
