I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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