My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
