I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
